Please note that we will post jokes on this page in either English or Afrikaans. We could translate the Afrikaans jokes but they would lose their punchline and not be funny at all. Feel free to submit your own jokes so that we can add them for everyone to enjoy!

Disclaimer - We do not mean to offend anyone with the jokes, if we do, please let us know and we will take the joke offline.
1. Spietkop (Afrikaans)

SPIETKOP : “Mev, u lisensie sê dat u met brille moet bestuur”!

BLONDINE: “Ek het ‘contacts’ “.

SPIETKOP : “Ek gee nie ‘n fok om wie jy ken nie”!!!

2. Hangover Rules (Afrikaans)

1. Moenie fokken drink nie.

Die probleme ontstaan as mens die reel ‘n vet ignore kap - dan is jy gefok - groot moeilikheid.
Dus, as jy per abuis reel een oortree, verwys dadelik na reel twee.

2. Moenie te veel drink nie.

Een word twee, twee word drie, al die ure word happy, lelik word mooi, en twee word een
(partykeer sommer op die agterseat).
Steeds is als nie verlore nie…..
In tye van transgressie, verwys spoedig na reel drie.

3. Moenie jou dop meng nie.

Check alle drankies gaan eventually na dieselfde plek toe, maar net soos in
‘n bar meen dit nie altyd almal smaak mekaar nie.
Inteendeel, jy sal vind dis presies hierdie tipe mengelmoes wat gaan maak
dat jy suffer..

4. Sit neer daai shooter, cowboy.

Teen die tyd dat jy reel drie oortree het is jy klaar in jou moer, gefok - sonder om eers
jou broek af te trek.
Dan ewe skielik is dit twee-uur, jy vreet ‘n Garage pie oppad huis toe,
en worry oor die moontlikheid van ‘n evil hangovertjie wat daar onder jou
bed vir jou le en wag.

5. Slaap soveel as wat jy kan .

fokken wil mos ne - gedink jy’s baie sterk.
Lekker reels breek.
Lekker breker.
Wie’s nou smart ???
Ouens wat hier uitkom het obviously nie gefokken luister nie en sit nou met
die full-blown, fokken hangover.
Nou moet jy maar slaap pel, en sommer baie ook.
Nog bietjie. Daa’sy.
Trek hom bersie oor hom koppie en bid dat dit beter gaan

6. Suip baie water.

Party Moegoes reken sommer die aand wat jy van die jol af kom.
Maar dis bietjie moeilik as jy ingedra word en wakker word met Kots op jou
hemp en wat nog…
Kry vir jou ‘n lekker laaang beker water en drink daarvan soveel en so
vinnig as wat jy kan .
Kom nou, jy’t mos gewys jy kan baie drink bulletjie
Jy’s mos die fokken mek van die plek, die baas van die plaas
Sluk tjomma, sluk !!!
Sommer vier Grandpa’s ook !!!

7. Eet iets.

Op die stadium is jou lyf hoogs die bliksem in vir jou.
Jy het nie mooi gemaak met jou lyf nie.
Uh-uh. Nou moet daar fokken mooi broodjies gebak word, en een ding wat jou
lyf verstaan is eetbare bederfies.
As jy rerig wil fokken brownie punte score, skiet vir iets gesonds - even ‘n
slaaitjie. As jou lyf kon, het hy/sy jou op die rug geklop.

Party ouens reken mens moet ‘n rou eier eet. Al waarvoor dit werk is om jou
te laat verder kots, en as jy gelukkig is nog salmonella ook te kry. fokken
smart Parra!, nou’t jy salmonella en ‘n hang-over.

8. Vat ‘n shower of ‘n bad.

Nou hierdie reel help beide vir jou asook die mense geaffekteer deur jou
second-hand hangover.
D.w.s. die arme swape wat jou asem en stink holtes ruik na die aand uit.
Voel bietjie daai wol oor jou tanne?
Hoe dink jy ruik dit vir ander?
Pre fokken sies….
Hou op ‘n aap wees en vat ‘n stort.

9. Trek iets gemaklik aan.

Official hangover wear is pejaamies of sommer ‘n ou sweetpak met Stou-kies
en ‘n T-shirt.
Jy wil nie deal met goed wat jou skaaf of knoppe platdruk nie.
Sag en lelik is die wagwoorde hier.

10. Vat dit rustig.

Drop die blinds, kry ‘n bottel Coke, bietjie Nando’s en loop rent ‘n DVD of twee .
Skuif nou voor die TV in met die remote en relax.

Dit gaan ‘n fokken laaaaaaaang dag wees .

3. Dear Editor (English)

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber.

My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.

I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

Sincerely,
Larry

4. Kameelperd en Muis (Afrikaans)

‘n Kameelperd chat met ‘n muis. “Dis té héérlik om so ‘n lang nek te hê!

Met etes kan ek elke happie geniet die heelpad wat hy op pad is maag toe en in die somer is dit so verfrissend om ietsie koud te drink - die koel vog verkwik my hele lyf terwyl dit in my keel afvloei…”

Die muis vra: “Al ooit gekots??”

5. Blonde Wife (English)

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s up?” she asks.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, “Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she’s got no clothes on!”
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs in to the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.
“You heartless bitch,” she screams.
“My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!!”

6. Magic Mirror (English)

There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there’s a magical mirror. If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you one wish… but if you lie - POOF! - it swallows you up for eternity.

A brunette, redhead, and a blonde walk into that very bar - with a mission. They head straight for the magic mirror. The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” POOF! - the mirror swallows her up and she’s gone for eternity.

The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” POOF - now she’s gone too.

Lastly, the blonde goes up to the mirror says ” I think……..” - POOF!

7. Hoes Stroop (Afrikaans)

Die apteker vra vir sy assistent:”Wat is verkeerd met daai ou wat so teen die muur leun?”

Die assistent se:

“Hy het vanoggend hier ingekom en gevra vir hoesstroop, maar ek kon dit nie kry nie, toe jaag ek hom so ‘n bottel Brooklax in.”

Die apteker strip sy moer: “Maar my fok man, jy kan Nie iemand se hoesbui probeer regmaak met ‘n bottel Brooklax nie!”

“Natuurlik Kan ‘n mens “, se die assistent, “kyk na die ou.

Hy is te fokken bang om te hoes!”

8. Gatiep & Maraai - Jy’s Bietjie Klein (Afikaans)

Meraai aan Gatiep na seks: “Jong jy het ook maar ‘n ou klein kitaartjie!”
Gatiep: “Ja maar ek het nou ook nie geweet ek moet vanaand in die City Hall perform nie!”

9. Die Kat (Afrikaans)

Die polisie kry ‘n telefoon oproep om hulp.
“Help asseblief, hier het nou net ‘n kat deur die venster
geklim!”
“Wat bedoel jy, ‘n kat?” vra die polisieman.
“‘n Kat! ‘n Fokken kat! Hier kom die kat vir my!”
“Maak jy ‘n grap?” vra die polisieman. “Met wie praat ek?”
“Met die papegaai, jou doo$!”

10. Clever Marketing (English)

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars at several motorway services. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in 2 to 3 pounds a day.

Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day.

Ahmed says; “Look at your sign, it says, “I have no work, a wife and six kids to support.” Britons who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family.

“Now look at my sign.”

So Hamid looks and Ahmed’s sign reads, “I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan.

11. Schalk Burger is so tuff that:

When Schalk Burger does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing
the Earth down.
When the Tokoloshe goes to sleep every night, he checks under his bed for
Schalk Burger.
Schalk Burger counted to infinity - twice. Schalk Burger invented every
colour. Except pink. Percy Montgomery invented pink. Schalk Burger gave Mona
Lisa that smile.
Schalk Burger can slam a revolving door.
Schalk Burger’s calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one
fools Schalk Burger .
Schalk Burger can speak Braille.
Schalk Burger’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Schalk Burger pyjamas.
Schalk Burger sleeps with a night light. Not because Schalk Burger is afraid
of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Schalk Burger
Once a cobra bit Schalk Burger’s leg. After five days of excruciating pain,
the cobra died.
When Schalk Burger exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Schalk Burger can kill two stones with one bird.
The only time Schalk Burger was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake….

Kwaai Boere - Seems like Eskom is not loved any more